I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do. Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians. Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!" One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!" You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"
I can't wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there's food at home when they ask for some..
I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: "Oh, bad move, I'd have done it this way..."
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how. Not right now, though. I'm waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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