#kentucky

Mixed Signals Ben is sitting at home reading a magazine or something, I dunno, and his phone rings. He answers, "Hey, who's this?" "Sup, Ben. It's Frank," is the reply. B: "Hey, what's up, man?" F: "Listen, I need some relationship advice. Can you help me?" B: "Sure." F: "Cool, thanks. Anyway, I've been seeing this girl lately. I'm really starting to like her, but I don't know what she's thinking. She's giving me mixed signals." B: "How so?" F: "Well, she said that she 'loved me like a b…

How are people from Kentucky like flour? They're inbred.

My favorite joke. A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn’t stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers a…

A bagpiper plays at the funeral of a man with no family nor friends As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse…

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire... A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers in record time, throws the rest of the full cans up in the air, and shoots each one individually with the gu…

I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork... ...it spoons. She did not find it humorous

KFC Calls Pope After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs…

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky. They're always 20 years behind everything. Mark Twain

A homeless mans funeral. As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only…

How to you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? 20% of the people in Kentucky think you pronounce the capital of Kentucky as "LOO-ə-vəl" (Louisville) The other 80% of the people in Kentucky think you pronounce the capital of Kentucky as "LUUV-əl". But the correct answer is Frankfort.

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken The famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just chan…

What's the difference between Utah and Kentucky? What they mean when they say sister-wife.

hillbilly went hunting A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "T…

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-ville or Loo-ee-ville? Wrong. It's pronounced Frank-fort. Edit: the number of people who tried to explain the pronunciation of Louisville OR repeated the punchline back to me is astounding. I guess there's no IQ in Kentucky...

The hunting license A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters. The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, and the hunter pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, \- "T…

The toothbrush was invented in Kentucky. If it was invented in any other state, it would have been called a teethbrush.

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford any more kids. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are …

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve? Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If was created anywhere else it would have been called the teethbrush.

TIL the tooth brush was invented in Kentucky... Anywhere else and it would be called a teeth brush.

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? When you're done with the breast and thighs

You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler) A democratic senator from Kentucky.

What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky? A full set of teeth.

What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A virgin.

KFC Calls Pope After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken