#driving

Is it still illegal to run someone over with your car if they're wearing camouflage?

"Oh, are you driving?" -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

My stepdaughter said the Justin Bieber movie is rated R because people will faint when they see him. I stabbed her with my car keys.

My GPS stopped working this morning and I'm going to the mall to get a new one I really hope someone with a TomTom left their car unlocked

After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.

Friend's Fb post: In search of a coat hanger My comment: Are you pregnant or are you locked out of your car? I've been on Twitter too long

Quentin Tarantino always looks like he walked through a car wash.

I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?

have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops. You'd think they would have went before the race.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless you crashed your milk truck and spilled it all over the freeway, killing a family.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.

"Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening." - How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don't need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir? PANCAKE ok I need you to step out of the car

As a kid, I'd pull a girl's hair to let her know I liked her, but now that I'm older & wiser I simply hit her with my car.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.

As confused as an atheist who's stuck behind a car that isn't moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you love God

Pharmacist: need any help? Me: Yes, I'd like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car