#driving

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*

I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

So I neutered my car yesterday "You, what?" Neutered my car "..." It's another word for fixed "I wish I never gave you that thesaurus"

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Me: I'm a confident driver Friend: You almost just ran someone over Me: Confidently tho

She died doing what she loved: driving while taking a photo of a license plate that had 69 in it

Quick! What's protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Bro Transformers are real! Haven't you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.

i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car? Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.

[driving 2 school] *looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats WAIT! IF YOU'RE HERE THEN... [cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

Accidentally picked up two traffic cones instead of my children again

Police - OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

["Platonic" male friend rams car through my bedroom wall] I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

If I had an ice cream truck, it would turn into a regular truck in about a half hour.

Her; My phones dead let me use yours Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home

Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn't satisfy me anymore.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!

Clicks "open" Tries door Clicks "open" Tries door Clicks "open" Tries door What the FU.. Wrong car (I have a master's degree)

Whenever someone asks how i'm doing & walks away before i answer..I write "GREAT" on the side of thier car with my keys!

Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"