#driving

REMEMBER: It's not "drinking alone"...if your kids are in the car with you.

during my morning commute i like to make the "roll down your window" gesture to the car next to me then yell "DID YOU POOP YET TODAY?"

Imagine Putting 5 worth of fuel in your car and your cars like "well, since we're both being childish" And refuses to open the door.

I just saw a man get hit by a car...he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi

Hey kids, don't forget to look both ways before getting hit by a car.

I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"

My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition. He suggest a coat hanger. I said we're a few years too late for that.

I just hit a Smart car and now it's my hood ornament.

Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that? Me: In the front or back of the car?

ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn't even in it. Incredible strength.

Knock, knock Who's there? Wu Wu who? I wouldn't get too excited sir, I'm here to impound your car.

A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'

Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.

That moment when you're driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you're in the Atlantic Ocean.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you've dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: "Isn't this pretty?" Next 3 hours: *can't remember a life before corn*

*toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'd rather be tweeting." It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.

Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP Clown 1: My VW Bug. I'm driving the carpool. It's Streisand.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave "quicker"