#driving

I'm only racist when I'm driving.

Couldn't tell if this really hot chick just waved at me in her car, or if she was just putting the sun visor down.

The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

I just rode the scariest ride called SPIDER DESCENDING FROM THE CEILING OF MY CAR INTO MY LAP WHILE DRIVING 70 MPH

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you? - My toddler, wooing the dog

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let's do this bro

"Was this car tested on animals?" "sir animals can't drive" "will this car enable animals to drive?" "No" "SO YOU DID TEST IT!" "god damnit"

RT if you are my car keys and I can't find you

[in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"

A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now

the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk

Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes...

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

[bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put "who rescued who?" stickers on your car... you drive me crazy! Clearly it's "who rescued whom?"

Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

ME: Sorry I'm late, I had computer problems. BOSS: Hard drive? ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.