#driving

No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I'm driving, it's an Asian person.

My car has a GPS, but when I get lost I still usually just end up busting out a globe

Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

My car was like "change my oil" & I was like "change it yourself, stupid" & it was like "I can't, I'm an inanimate object" & then we laughed

Psychologist: Go to your happy place. Me: *grabs car keys* Psychologist: Where are you going? Me: The liquor store.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan's threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer] driving instructor: what was that

Your car won't start? Have you tried getting out of it and then getting back into it again? That usually works for my computer.

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for

I hate when people read over my shoulder while I'm texting. 2 car lengths please Mr. Policeman.

If the salesman doesn't come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

"Excuse me, do you validate parking?" I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

[Inspecting car] *kicks tire* "Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick."

Unless you're a toddler heading towards traffic I'm not running after you.

"well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don't think-" [cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

i wanna get a huge pile of rocks for my driveway so i can park my car like a range rover dealership

Do you guys ever bite your tongue by accident? Do you guys ever hit a homeless man then just keep driving?

When I see a car accident I pull over quickly to assist the drivers with getting rid of any drugs they may have in the car.

"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant a transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

"Your under arrest!" No, YOU'RE under arrest *police looks around points to himself & mouths 'me'* Yeah you. *he tosses me cop car keys*