#captain

I like to yell "Aloha, Captain Future!" when I see someone using an iPad in public.

Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don't even mention Captain America at all.

I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island Island Man: oh come on not this again

[In a cucumber submarine] 1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle

I bet sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

It's not a bad movie, but it is hard to believe a character named Captain America wouldn't be morbidly obese.

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....

She wears short skirts I eat pizza She's cheer captain And I'm still eating pizza

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Captain Obvious I was driving my Tractor Trailer & hit the overpass, when the cops arrive they survey the damage & ask me ""So you hit the overpass, huh?"", I was like ""Nooo, I was delivering this overpass when I just ran out of gas...""

Literal Sandwiches General James: Where's Johnson? Private Ham Sandwich: I'm not sure. Hey, do you know where Johnson is? Private Grilled Cheese Sandwich: Yes, the general told him to get him a sandwich General James: Yes, but both of you are right here. It is then that General James realized what had happened. General James: He must've went to get me a real sandwich. Captain Real Sandwich: But i'm right here sir. General James: Then by god where the hell is he? The End. Courtesy of my brother. …

Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.

Teacher gave the second grade the homework to, ""dream big."" The next day, Toby recited, ""I want to be a computer genius like Riley Poole, and hack things and be a millionaire."" The class gasped in awe. Tammy followed. ""I want to save lives like Captain Sully, and be a hero."" Everyone cheered. Jenna, the blonde, said, ""I want to be like the waitress at the soda shop and serve people."" Teacher looked at Jenna, the blonde, in stupor while the class laughed and ridiculed her. A bawdier child…

Captain Hook's Girlfriend Breaking Up with Him It's not you, It's Smee.

How did Captain Hook die ? He wiped his ass with the wrong hand.

TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship. He did it single handedly too. He was a bit out of breath afterwards though.

Sad news from Minnesota Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Au…

Captain Jokes Captain: A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt. The captain was asked, ""Why do you need a red shirt?"" The Captain replies, ""So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren's discouraged."" They fight off the pirates eventually. The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, ""Get me my brown pants!""

I know we get a lot of dad jokes...here's a mom one What did Captain Picard say when he saw the new sewing machine? Make it sew!

In ""Captain Sully"", technically speaking, Tom Hanks did not fly a plane on to the Hudson River That was falling with style

Stone and Stone - Breaker A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began: ""My name is Stone, and I'm even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble. Don't try any tricks with me, and then we'll get on well together."" Then he went to each soldier one after the other and asked him his name. ""Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly,"" he said, and don't forget to call me ""sir"". Each soldie…

Obituary Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima deliv…