#work

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don't all have the same accent, I'm probably going to get fired from storytime.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.

If you don't think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you're probably the boss

My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in by reps

Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.

me: *turns around in swivel chair* *tents fingers* I guess you never expected to see ME again... Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

i love working at the post office at the north pole and ripping up white children's letters to santa claus

New career ambition: have an office and big chair that I can slowly turn Bond villain-esquely around in to greet my enemies.

*walks into interview* Thanks for coming in today. I'm Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil. *walks out of interview*

Me: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier Dan from the next cubicle: it's annoying sitting so close to the office copier

1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air 2) Name it Fresh Prints 3) Make millions 4) Move to West Philadelphia

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece as a retirement gift for the boss.. We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee's gift card.

Fails drug test. Adds "Positive" Person to resume.

My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that's kinda neat.

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.

Apparently "The WiFi signal is the strongest there" isn't the right answer when the boss asks "Why are you spending so much time in toilet?"

*makes doctors appointment* *arrives 20 minutes early* *waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

My job is like defeating a final boss in a video game: I spend hours doing it, and when I finally do, it doesn't matter to anyone else.

[job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" "My honesty" "I don't think-" "I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"

[pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*

Still trying to convince my boss that I'm just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Wait in a dressing room until an employee comes to ask if they can help. Answer yes, pause, then say, "But I need to be able to trust you"

I'm never gonna tell the person I'm meeting up with that you said hi.

My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.