#work

[At the job interview] "Why did you leave your last job?" "They took a vote."

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I've narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before? Me: No [nervous because it's my 1st interview] Me: But I used to be an embryo

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.

Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: "Wire" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

*hands note Boss: *reading* 'Please excuse my son from' Ridiculous! You're working! *thinking* I practiced my Mom's signature for nothing

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I'm doing. And now I'm sitting outside of H.R.

"Sir your resume says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a resume?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."

[opens lunchbox] YOGURT?!? o no... that means... [my dad is at the office surounded by men and women in suits asking if they can hav a dunkaroo]

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?" I'm funny that way.

[interview at a clothing store] be cool, don't let them know you're a dog "so what color is this dress?" oh you gotta be kidding me

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss's emails with "Heyyyy you!"

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss's boss.

[Rappers job interview] Boss: What is your biggest weakness? Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can't speak. I'm a geek. Birds have feathers.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*

Whoever's job it is to make sure I eat before I drink is fired.

[job interview] Interviewer: "Describe yourself in 2 words." Me: "Atinubs. Econsibu." Interviewer: "You're hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA."

Coworker: Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning? Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

[pitch meeting] Okay so it's a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of 'em. I call it "100 Dalmatians." [idea man pipes in] Let's think bigger

[job interview] "So what would you say is your biggest weakness?" "I'm pretty bad at reading situations." *tries to kiss interviewer*