#work

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?

Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting) Leader: Bob, tell us why you're here. Me: $20 it's a Blackjack addiction. Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Boss: HR wants to see you Me: What for? Boss: Mandatory drug test Me: Oh man, I really can't do any more drugs after the weekend I had

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00! *Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

"the immaturity and the copying are my main issues" I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Mafia boss: "I want him swimming with the fishes!" *later at the coral reef* Me: "This is amazing!" Mafia boss: "Anything for you."

[vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere

[job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.

Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

[First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes.

"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

Boss: Are you high? [Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

*Goes to work* *Punches clock* *Gets fired for breaking clock*

Coworker: You're very immature. Me: You're very observant.

[Interview] Boss: What's your greatest strength? Me: I'm a risk taker B: Can you give an example? M: *Passionately kisses boss* B: omg

ESPIONAGE: teen dresses up as a dad for a PTA meeting "i think drugs are cool and we should back off" *snapback falls out of pocket* *gasps*

Me: "Can I leave work half an hour early?" Boss: "Only if you make up the time." "OK. It's 35 past 50." Boss: "Just go.."

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT'S REALLY "NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY" PLEASE SAY YES.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I'm going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride. *adds humanitarian to resume

If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say "You silly goose."

[At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.