#work

According to the law it's not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

We all wear masks. I'm about to trade in my 'polite coworker' mask for my 'dude you don't want to meet in a dark alley' mask In 3...2...1

Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.

A thing I learned at this week's staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

I can't find my lucky sweatpants. Now I'm going to totally bomb this job interview.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week. Me: These are my clothes.

Boss: you spend a lot of time on your phone! Me: you spend too much time watching me. Don't you have work to do?

[Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."

OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance? Its been 16hrs.. I didn't wanna make a fuss.

During your interview, try ending every sentence with "dot jpg". "How would you say you handle job pressure?" --Not a problem.jpg

[boss's office] I'm tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray? "No, sir" I like your style, Murray.

I've got a banana in my drawer that I took from the office fruit basket. In 3 weeks my co-workers will pay me to throw it away. Easy money.

When I quit my job I'm going to barge into my boss's office, slam my gun and badge on his desk, and storm out of this Arby's forever.

My coworker used to joke "I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

I wish behavior in football was acceptable in all jobs. Like if u clear a paper jam out of the printer you can stanky leg on your boss' desk

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It's my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Boss: Are you high? Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

The cool thing about Cake Boss cakes is how everything is edible and has been touched all over and breathed upon for hours.

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact? Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

*writing resume* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!

BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says "2 Days Without Being Annoyed" [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

Field testing has shown that coworkers are most likely to enter my office 8-11 seconds after I fart.

How do you explain this gap in your resume? "I was in jail." Okay. Sure you weren't working for Trump's campaign? "Swear to God. Jail."

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the "Life Goes On" episode where Corky lip syncs "Fight the Power" for his school's talent show.

My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."