#work

We're an eclectic bunch here, but we all have one thing in common: We've sacrificed the chance to run for public office with these tweets.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

One of my ongoing office fantasies involves a coworker walking by my desk while I'm actually working

Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

[Job Interview] Sir, it says here you're part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

I swear...I think restaurants with drive thru's identify the dumbest employee and say "here, you get to wear the headset"

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.

Coworker: It'll either work or it won't. Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover of its rival Office Depot. Office Depot has retaliated by snapping rubber bands at Staples.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS: 1. Am I pregnant? 2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Job interview with the NSA Applicant: Would you like references? NSA: We have everything we need. App: You guys! NSA: I know, right!

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. In many cases this will mean showing up to the interview in a pirate suit.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

[meeting GF's mom] Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?

Apparently it's okay for the office to have "casual Friday's," but "nudist Tuesday's" are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I'm in a t-shirt while she's rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?

MAN!! My boss is always all "Blah blah blah!", "You're late!", and "Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!"

You're in a work meeting and your boss asks, "Any questions?" The answer is always, NO.

"Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?" "People say I'm too hospitable." "I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?" "Your call."

[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest strenWHAT?!