#sir-im

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively

Is that a banana in your pocket or... oh wait that is a banana. Sir I'm with super market security. Please come with me.

Did you hear the one about the captain's lucky shirt? So a pirate captain is walking along the deck of his ship, when all of a sudden the crier in the crows-nest yells ""Spanish treasure ship getting within range!"" So the captain rallies his men, and calls to his first mate ""First mate, get me my lucky red shirt"". The captain puts the shirt on and the pirates battle bravely and kill all the Spaniards and get an enormous horde of gold. After the battle, the first mate asks ""Captain, why do yo…

The Reporter in the Appalachian Mountains Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals. On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin. ""Good morning, sir. I'm a reporter from Life magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. I have a question for you. What was the greatest day in your life?"" The ol…

There was a man in Ukraine who operated a train for a living. He showed up to work one day extremely drunk and starting hitting people on the tracks, killing a few before he was caught and arrested. State law deemed that death via the electric chair was an acceptable punishment for his deeds. The day he was put to death, they asked him for any last meals. His only request a single banana. They obliged, gave him his banana, and put him on the chair. The chair was activated, and to the executioner…

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender glares at him and rudely tells him, ""Get to going strang! We don't serve your kind 'round here!"" The string gets up and leaves, but makes his way into an alley. He loops his body around and tugs his body together, and then he musses up his hair for good measure. He then walks back into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink one more. The bartender eyes him wildly and asks, ""Say, ain't you that strang?"" The string replies, ""No sir. …

An old man goes to the doctor the doctor tells him ""sir I'm sorry but you have cancer."" the old man is shocked and says ""oh this is terrible"" ""sir I'm sorry but it turns out you also have alzheimers"" the old man pauses for a moment, then looks up and smiles ""well at least it isn't cancer""

It's dress rehearsal time on the set of Saturday Night Live. A new intern, having been hired for one episode, arrives at NBC's studios, excited as can be. He heads to the front of the set and is directed into a closet to get suited up for practising an SNL sketch. He chooses a suitable suit, pair of pants and buttons himself up. At last he comes to a row of footwear. His eyes are immediately drawn to a flash-looking pair of shoes, polished to a shine and cobalt black. He goes for them, but is su…

Salesman's car breaks down in the middle of the night during a downpour on a desolate road. He sees a farm not too far from him and walks to the house and rings the bell. ""Sir I'm sorry to intrude but my car has broken down and I need a place to huddle up for the night."" The farmer says "" no problem you can sleep in my gay sons room"". The salesman turns around headed back to his car. The farmer asks "" where are you going?"" The salesman replies ""Sorry I'm in the wrong joke.""

So a Louisiana man is speaking with a divorce lawyer... ""so lemme ask a question man she no want to be man and wife no more"" ""Yes sir I'm very sorry but that is correct"" ""well damn, do that mean we ain't brother and sister any mo' either?""

yay 10 bucks on the floor Hello sir I'm 10 and have no money plz give me the 10 bucks.Oh you poor thing I am a nice man so I will.................KEEP IT BRO TROLOLO!

The dead duck. A not-so-bright farmer brings his dead duck to a vet, asking for treatment. The vet takes one look and says, ""I'm sorry, but that duck is dead."" The farmer asks if they can do some tests to make sure. The vet agrees and whistles, summoning a black lab. the dog puts its front paws on the table and sniffs for a moment, then walks out of the room, whining with its tail between its legs. The vet again says, ""I'm sorry, but that duck is dead."" The farmer asks for one more test, and…

This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him ""You passed my house, let me out"" & he's all like ""Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication.""

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, ""Rest In Peace"". The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain. After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, ""Sir I'm really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ""Congr…

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ""Aye so I have. 'Tis Friday you know so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ""Happy Hour"" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for…

A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car adjusted his sunglasses and swaggered up to the young man's window. ""What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license boy."" The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said ""Tell me boy why you got them knives on that there back seat?"" The young man replied ""Well sir I'm a juggler."" The of…

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said ""Rest in Peace"". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was the florist said. ""Sir I'm really sorry for the mistake but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have fl…

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods miles from the nearest town. He's camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog franticly runs into his camp. ""Please please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and we've seen you camped here. We didn't know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him?"" "" Sir …

Saw this one in my maths class Student: Sir I'm cold! Teacher: Go and stand in the corner then. Student: Why would I do that? Teacher: Because it's 90 degrees over there.

Hit a pig with my car I was driving home from my buddies place which is out in the middle of nowhere. I've done this drive a dozen times so I wasn't paying much attention to the road, giving glances to my phone. Saw the street light ahead about a mile or so down the road when BOOM, I hit something. I stopped my car and looked down the road to see a pig laying on its side. I checked my car and didn't see any real damage. I looked around and saw no street or farm signs or anything of the like. Th…

A charity collector knocks on the door of a wealthy man’s mansion. The man opens the door, and the collector says, “Good afternoon, sir. I’m from the local charity. Our records show that you haven’t contributed anything to our cause, despite your apparent wealth. Would you be willing to make a donation to help those in need?” The wealthy man looks at the collector and says, “Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who is struggling to pay her medical bills?” The collector, looking …

Military A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror. As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door ope…

A Scotsman was waiting in the queue at the first tee ready to play a round of golf when a small boy approached him and said: "Would you like me to caddie for you, sir?" The Scotsman eyed him up and down for a moment before asking: "Are ye any good at finding lost golf balls?" "Oh yes, sir. I'm great at finding lost golf balls." "Okay, run and search for one. Then we can start!"