#the-news

"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called "The News."

Welcome to The News. Tonight's top story: you know that thing you love? It's terrible and you're terrible. Thanks,

A psychic midget just escaped from prison The news report said there was a small medium at large.

Breaking news... The news truck has split in half, our traffic report website is down, and the studio seems to be having trouble with this sound system.

A man in Athens gets a barrel of olive oil poured over him... ""Covered in grease in Greece."" For some reason this happens to more and more people... ""Covered in grease in Greece increase."" The news papers report on this phenomenon... ""Covered in grease in Greece increase covered.""

Just give them another chance! So... The news reporters decided to end this ""Blondes are stupid"" myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes. REPORTER: ""We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"" 1st BLONDE: ""Ok, ask me anything."" REPORTER: ""What is answer to 2+2?"" 1st BLONDE: ""Ummm..... 5?"" REPORTER: ""Wh... Wrong.."" Then, ent…

Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his military advisor entered. "Sir we've received reports that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. You should probably prepare a statement, the media will be here shortly." Bush was visibly taken aback. "This... this can't be" He said as he started to tremble. "Uhh, yes sir, I'm sorry to inform you." Replied the advisor, slightly puzzled. "What does this mean for the war effort?"…

Mad Cow Disease One cow asked the another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary". The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

Sarah Palin's chief adviser burst excitedly into her office one morning. "Governor," he beamed. "Some great news at last. Have you seen today's newspapers?" "I saw that there was a sale on at Bloomingdale's." "No, even better than that. According to a new post-election survey, people want you to run for President in 2012." The news was music to her ears. She stood up proudly and announced: "You mean I am the chosen one, the woman of the people? You say that thousands of Republicans have been ple…