#qa

Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below sea level ^^im ^^so ^^sorry

Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf ‏@adamzopf

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an udder disaster. ^(I'll show myself out)

Biology Joke When a plant is sad, what do other plants do? Photosympathize

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese

Library joke Why are librarians so lonely? They're always by them shelves Just wanted to see if that library joke checked out Sorry for all the library jokes, I'll put them on hold

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.

Inlaws.. What is the difference between a inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A pedrophile.

Sick Lemon and Sick Bird What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment What do you give a sick lemon? Lemonade

What do you call a guy going down on a girl with a smile on his face? A Gladiator

Classic Why'd the mushroom go to the party? Cause he's a fungi! Why'd the fungi leave the party? Cause there wasn't mushroom!

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.

What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph.Why?Because he's too short to be an essay.

What do you get if you cross a Sociologist with someone in the Mafia? An offer you can't understand.

The Scottsman Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye "See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong a handsome built? I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt." They cre…

On the back of u/baldillin A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one. In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!? Of course, God says, who can he tell?

What do you call a fly when it retires? A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No? Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen? Killed in a tunnel.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.

Betting Jokes Last night I got thrown out of the casino. As a sports bettor I completely misunderstood the crap table. ~ A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Suzan, pack up your things. I just won a ฿1000 20 leg parlay!” Suzan replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!” ~ A bum asks a man for ฿0.002. The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it…

Lousy elephant jokes These are best all told in rapid succession: -------- How do you fit four elephants in a VW Bug? Two in the front, one in the back, one in the glove compartment. ----------- How can you tell if there's an elephant hiding in your refrigerator? There's a set of footprints in the butter. ----------- How can you tell if there are **two** elephants hiding in your refrigerator? There are **two** sets of footprints in the butter. ----------- How can you tell if there are *…

What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!" The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."

What is the ultimate definition of trust? Two cannibals going down on each other

Programmers How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.