#qa

Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss. Phone rings. It's the boss. Boss: What are you doing right now? Assistant: Missing you.

What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack.

VA Nurse joke What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet? * A bullet can draw blood * A bullet can be fired * A bullet can only kill one person

Today I won the National Laziness Championship! What did you win? Atrophy

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's their job to help people find their way in dark places! (MASH s1 ep7)

What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader? I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A FSHHH

A woman gets pulled over for speeding... Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner…

What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? If it’s a good day lipstick

What rock group has four guys and no singers? Mt. Rushmore! Happy presidents day! http://i.imgur.com/N8LF0HU.png

Fiji I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer... How the Hell did I know they wanted the name of a country?

How many designers does it take to change a lightbulb? Does it really have to be a lightbulb?

Do you know why they don't have 13th floors on most buildings? Apparently it's because most buildings aren't that tall. No, no that's fine I can show myself out . . .

How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One is weasely identifiable while the other is stoatally different.

Why was the binary number so happy? Because of two's compliment!

How can you identify a French Infantryman? Sunburned armpits.

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Don't know. Its never been done before.

Why do Nuns always wear Black & White? No particular reason, it's just a habit they have.

What did the stop light say to the car? Don't look I am changing

Lovely Bracelet A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all o…

Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven? When it dies it becomes immortal. ∞

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM... Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy? Because of the Nye Quill.

If Isaac Newton discovered gravity Why isn't he in the credits? (Crossposted from /r/shittyaskscience)

Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon , I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, double smoked bacon .... ev…

I did bad and I should feel bad What do you call a group of dead, visually impaired people? Horizontal blinds.

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Ou…