#philips

Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump. I said, ""Don't jump."" He said, ""Nobody loves me."" I said, ""God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"" He said, ""A Christian."" I said, ""Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"" He said, ""Protestant."" I said, ""Me too! What denomination?"" He said, ""Baptist."" I said, ""Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"" He said, ""Northern Baptist."" I said, ""Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Li…

I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. -Emo Philips

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, ""Don't do it!"" He said, ""Nobody loves me."" I said, ""God loves you. Do you believe in God?"" He said, ""Yes."" I said, ""Are you a Christian or a Jew?"" He said, ""A Christian."" I said, ""Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"" He said, ""Protestant."" I said, ""Me, too! What franchise?"" He said, ""Baptist."" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"" He said, ""Northern Baptist."" I said, ""Me, too! Northern Conservative Ba…

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptis…

Heresy I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well ... are you religious or atheist?" "Religious." "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist." "Wow!…

Modern Christianity Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative…

A man walks into a bar and asks for a vodka and orange juice... The bartender says, Sure thing, turns around and mixes his drink, and sets a human skull shaped into a mug in front of him. The man says, WTF! I just wanted vodka and orange juice! The bartender says, Yeah, that's a Philips head screwdriver.

Russian Russia is a combination of incompetence and evil – like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips Did you hear about the new chain of coffee shops in Russia? It's called Tsarbucks.

Ken's convertible slowed to a halt on a lonely country road. "I guess," said his pretty but reluctant date, "that you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine?" "No," said Ken, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine. What's that?" she asked. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone." I once got into trouble on a date. I didn't open her car door. Instead I just swam to the surface. Emo Philips