*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned *grammar nazi bites lip*#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
My son just told me he wouldn't kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he's a Nazi or just a nerd#Hitler#Kids0🔗 SharePermalink →
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I'd go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.#Hitler#Kids0🔗 SharePermalink →
How did Hitler tie his shoes? In knotsies. (The unfollow button is only a click away)#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.#Hitler0🔗 SharePermalink →
*invents time machine* *goes to 1930 germany* *points guns at young hitler* What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?#Hitler#Germany0🔗 SharePermalink →
[beach] [a foot washes up] [next, a boot] [I combine them] [more parts arrive] [I keep building] [I stand back] ME: Oh no..you?! HITLER: Yep#Hitler0🔗 SharePermalink →
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
"You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation#Hitler#Shame And Manipulation#Food#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.#Blaming Sanders#Hitler0🔗 SharePermalink →
WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler#Hitler0🔗 SharePermalink →
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said " I hate shoes"#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
People forget that Hitler also invented those subscription cards that fall out of magazines.#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
The psychology of a man who pays more than $50 for a pair of jeans is more impenetrable to me than that of Hitler.#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during "If I Could Turn Back Time" does she mention killing Hitler.#Cher#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*#Hitler#Twitter#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
Larry the Cable Guy show debuts on History Channel. Hitler says he's thrilled to share his network with his favorite comic.#Larry#Hitler0🔗 SharePermalink →
Screaming, "Hitler and the Nazi Party are in a disarray!" when nudged at parties tells everyone that you fall asleep to the History Channel.#Hitler0🔗 SharePermalink →
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it's a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.#Hitler#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
[time travels to 1941 Berlin to kill Hitler] Damn I should've learned German [looks down at American flag bodysuit] This was also a bad idea#Hitler#Berlin0🔗 SharePermalink →
Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.#Hitler#Christian Rock#One-Liner0🔗 SharePermalink →
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history's greatest monster*#Hitler#Murderer And Historys#Kids0🔗 SharePermalink →
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer#Hitler#Kids#Dark Humor0🔗 SharePermalink →