#tim-vine

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. -Tim Vine

Conjunctivitis.com... ""Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes"" - A Tim Vine joke, just thought I'd share.

My girlfriend said to me ""as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you"" and I said ""let's make one thing absolutely clear..."" ""My mother was never a young boy."" Tim Vine

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me ""how many potatoes would you like?"" and I said ""I'll just have one"". She said ""it's alright, you dont have to be polite"", and I said ""alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow"". ^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine

Once in a lifetime holiday ""I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."" -Tim Vine

Three cheers for rap music. Hip hop... \- Tim Vine

A small bird made of oak Be good if there was a related joke, wooden tit? (Credit: Tim Vine)

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley She said ""Tenpin?"" I said, ""No, it's a permanent job."" - Tim Vine, King of the one liners.

Tim Vine came up to me. I said,""Hey, you're Time Vine!"" He said,""My name's not Tim Vine, it's Timbuktu."" He paused. ""Sorry, I was miles away.""

A Tribute To Tim Vine A few of my favourite Tim Vine jokes... 1. Conjunctivitis.com, that's a site for sore eyes. 2. Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they? 3. Crime in multi-storey car parks. It's wrong on so many levels. 4. I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said ""How flexible are you?"", I said ""I can't make Tuesdays"". 5. Black Beauty, now there's a dark horse. 6. I'll tell you what I love doing, packing myself into a small suitcase. I…

My maths teacher told me to draw a square. Instead I drew a circle. He said ""That's terrible, go and stand in the corner!"" I said ""where's that?"" *- Tim Vine*

I've just been on a once in a lifetime holiday... Never again. Credit: Tim Vine.

The top ten one-liner's from this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival (as voted by the viewers of the Dave channel). 1. ""I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust"" - Tim Vine 2. ""I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set"" - Masai Graham 3. ""Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief"" - Mark Watson 4. ""I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only …

The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2014 1.""I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust"" - Tim Vine. 2.""I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set"" - Masai Graham. 3.""Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief"" - Mark Watson. 4.""I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s"" - Bec Hill. 5.""I wanted t…

Some of the top jokes from this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival. *I've decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust. -Tim Vine *I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set. -Masai Graham *Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief. -Mark watson *I Wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me. -Ria Lina

Some Tim Vine jokes... ""I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."" ""People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."" ""So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."" ""I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."" ""I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."" ""I cant remember my homing pigeon's …

I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week... I won't be doing that again. joke by Tim Vine

Velcro What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.

I rang up a local builder and said, ""I want a skip outside my house."" He said, ""I'm not stopping you."" **Tim Vine**

A man started to throw words beginning with 'th' at me I dodge this, then and there but I didn't see that coming - Tim Vine

A scoutmaster was teaching his scouts about survival. "What are the three most important things", he asked, "that you should bring with you in case you get stranded alone in the desert?" Hands were raised to suggest food, matches, distress flares and so on, but one boy said: "A compass, a canteen of water and a deck of playing cards." "Why those items?" asked the scoutmaster. The boy replied: "The compass is to find direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration." "Yes, I understand that," s…

Two young lovers went up into the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. On arrival, the guy went out to chop some wood, but when he got back he complained that his hands were icy cold. "Okay," said his girlfriend, "put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." So he did. After lunch, he went out to chop some more wood and again he came back complaining that his hands were freezing. "Just put them between my thighs," said his girlfriend, "and that will warm them up." So he did.…

A man had been shipwrecked alone on a remote desert island for two years when he suddenly noticed that a bottle had been washed ashore. And inside the bottle was a message on a piece of paper. With trembling hands, the man reached into the bottle and pulled out the piece of paper, his first contact with the outside world in twenty-four months. The message on it read: "Due to lack of activity, we regretfully inform you that we have cancelled your email account." I had a mate whose dream was to be…

A man was sick of his two-and-a-half-hour drive to work every day. "You should try the train," suggested a neighbour. "I did once, but I couldn't drive the thing to save my life!" At least it's comfortable on Eurostar. It's murder on the Orient Express. Tim Vine You Know You're a Biker When . . . Your best friends are all named after animals. Your idea of jewellery is chains and barbed wire. You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher. Your family photo album is a series of tattoos on your back.…

A man collecting in a shopping mall asked a woman for a donation to Alzheimer's. She said: "But I've already given just now. Don't you remember?" I was thinking to myself the other day: 'Why does a Frisbee look bigger and bigger the closer it gets?' And then it hit me! Tim Vine