#technology

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*

*texting with girls* Her: I <3 you Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you're less than 3

Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here Obama: joe im on the phone Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to

Fixing my grandma's computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

It's so beautiful outside. I should probably do something...Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my computer screen.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn't good ... Me: give it to me straight doc what is it doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

*accidentally answers phone call* *pretends to be answering machine*

In Seattle, there's a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won't talk on the phone? GF: What? M: A Guy-no-call-ogist. GF: I'm killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Kid wants to sit at table, isn't tall enough Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?! Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there? Him: Windows phone Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

"I don't watch tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.

7: mommy can I play on your computer? Me: later 7: what do you mean by later? Me: I'm hoping you forget.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don't "like" themselves.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone "Target is on the move."

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can't use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.

[On phone] "Did u see the weather forecast?" "No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather." "Where are you? Its so noisy." "IN A TORNADO."

The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

Just wrote "58008" on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up. I hate the future.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Comcast: "Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?" Me: "No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered."