#technology

I told my kids I'd rather they "pull the plug" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger.

If you ever see a tweet that says "www@google.com", that's my grandma trying to use the internet. Leave her alone.

Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone? 7y:can I repeat swear words? Me: no 7y: he said nothing then

It's funny how all those "best places in the world" lists always forget to include the Internet.

I have a life besides Twitter. Like this one time that I take a walk into the woods but then realize there was no wifi & I began to panic.

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

*phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""

"I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet." - girls

[phone rings] Guy: is your refrigerator running? Me: yes my refrigerator is runn- Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

I think this lady I'm stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to: "Hey you in the tree. I've called the cops."

The local news says we can tell there's been a power failure with their new app. Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

Mom: "Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...

*talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

You wouldn't know her. She goes to a different Internet

Me: I'm so tired. Phone: Put me down and go to sleep. Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

My computer is quick to point out when I eject a disk improperly, but never notices when I've ejected a disk beautifully.

Russian skater just explained that he is "not a robot," proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

While shopping for a new phone I found that they offer this thing called 'phone calls'. Has anyone used this? Is it an app?

If your partner asks, "Do you love your phone more than you love me?" Lie.

[campfire] And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN [everyone screams in terror]

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I'ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

In the past hour I've dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they're whispering "no weirdos please" to themselves.