#technology

Stepped into a spot this morning, where my dog had an accident. Unfortunately for her, taxidermy comes before training in the phone book

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a "vator". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...

My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow. Sir, that's a phone book.

(while falling down a well) god damnit i forgot to grab my phone charger

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It's called Facebook.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don't answer that either.

Whoever first said "No news is good news" never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

If I cut a coupon out of the paper, get a code word from the radio, then watch a morning show & answer 3 questions, I get 10% off a coffee.

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

HI I'M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone. *Adds "extremely organized" to resume.

I don't know what it means to "find your better half" but I hope my better half is a robot so that I can be half human half robot.

How to keep a man happy: 1) Phone him 86 times a day 2) Wail hysterically 3) Be needy 4) Never sleep with him 5) Buy yourself shoes

Just found out Fox News's website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.

the easiest way to get a ghost to stop hauntimg u is to change ur wifi password and act like u hav no idea why he cant conect to it anymore

A dating app called "Hinder" where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let's do this!!!

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it's easier to get pandas to mate.

How often do you guys close your internet tabs? One of mine is from the Kerry/Edwards campaign.

My internet boyfriend doesn't know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.

Why are we watching a live internet stream of men exiting a hole? Isn't this using the internet backwards?

[phone call with ex] Me: you want to hang out tonight? Ex: sure. When & where? Me: no, we're not going. It's enough just to know you would.