I judge parties by how close to dead my cell phone battery is when I leave.

I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife. He said that's not how a divorce works.

Lawyer Joke The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to he…

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"