*at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!

[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*

NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs...

The Dentist A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, ""Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"" The dentist thought to himself, ""My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."" So the dentist asked h…