#the-times

I can finish The Times' crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire. His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. ""May I ask you a question, My Lord?"" ""Go ahead, Carson ,"" said His Lordship. ""I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."" ""What word is that?"" asked His Lordship. ""Aplomb,"" My Lord. ""Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or comple…

An excerpt from ""So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish"" (Adams Chp20). A brief story about biscuits. ""I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is equally possible,"" he added after a moment's reflection, ""that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."" ""Get on with it."" Fenchurch laughed. ""So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee."" ""You do the crossword?"" …

The Biscuit Thief ""This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train, This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible,"" he added after a moment's reflection, ""that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before."" ""Get on with it."" Fenchurch laughed. ""So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went t…

An Irishman has elocution lessons. He's sick of people thinking he's thick because of his accent. He spends a week in an intensive course and comes out speaking the Queen's best English. His first day out he goes into a shop and says to the man behind the counter ""Hello old boy I'll have a copy of The Times and some cigars please."" The man looked at him and said ""you're Irish aren't you?"" The man is crestfallen and says ""how the fook did ye know that?"" The man behind the counter replied ""…

It was raining... The man blotting his wet shoes with newspapers, explained, ""These are The Times that dry men's soles.""

An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid. Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it. The day after he finishes his course he goes into a shop and asks in his best tones. ""I say old man could you give me a copy of The Times and a pack of cigars please."" The shopkeeper lea…

It’s impossible to talk to my dad during breakfast because he still reads the newspaper. One can say….he is behind The Times.

I can never talk to my Dad at breakfast because he still reads newspapers. I guess you could say he's behind The Times.