#jimmy-carr

When a man sleeps with a lot of women.... ....he's called a stud. When a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she's called your mum. -Another gem by Jimmy Carr

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs! Very Little Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

I may be middle-class, but I'm hard. *Al dente*, you might say. **Jimmy Carr**

I was walking down the street with my wife... ... when I saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men. My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "Six should be enough." *(Copyright Les Dawson, as retold by Jimmy Carr on QI.)*

They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to the 6 million Jews. ~ Jimmy Carr.

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists.... They're flying off the shelves!!! (Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)

A large, elderly woman was waiting at the side of the road. When a young man approached, she asked him: "Can you see me across the road?" He said: "I can see you half a mile away." I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungeejumping accident. Jimmy Carr

A woman arrived at the cash desk of a clothes store and reached into her handbag for her purse. As she did so, the clerk couldn't help noticing that there was a TV remote in the woman's handbag. "Excuse me," said the clerk. "Do you always carry your TV remote with you when you're shopping?" "No," replied the woman. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But a…

A young woman travelling home on a flight from France to the United States turned to the priest sitting next to her and said: "Father, I wonder if I could ask you a favour?" "Certainly, my dear," he replied. "You see," she said, "in Paris I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over customs limits, and I'm worried they'll confiscate it. Could you possibly carry it through customs for me – under your robes, perhaps?" "I'd love to help you," said the priest, "and I will do what I c…

Japanese Where's the safest place to be in the event of a nuclear bomb going off? Downtown Hiroshima. I mean, what are the chances . . .? Jimmy Carr

A husband and wife were sitting at a table at her fiftieth high school reunion. The husband kept staring at a drunken guy sitting alone at a nearby table and eventually he asked his wife: "Do you know him?" "Yes," she replied. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and apparently he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" exclaimed the husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!" I've never understood why some p…

Smoking seriously damages your health. Smoking for fun is fine. My friend was told by her doctor that she is morbidly obese . . . as if she doesn't have enough on her plate. Jimmy Carr

A guy explained to a gay colleague at work: "I'm not homophobic in the same way that I'm not arachnophobic. I'm not scared of gays and I'm not scared of spiders. But if I were to walk in and find one in my bed, I'd be a little worried." I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy. Jimmy Carr

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Can't elope. I have finally found what the best thing before sliced bread was – massive sandwiches. Jimmy Carr We don't eat dolphins because they're cute and intelligent. If a dolphin was ugly and tasted good, we'd be eating it by the truckload. No one would care. The only negative thing that ever happened to a tuna was that it was born butt ugly and it mixes well with mayo. David Cross

A man was hiking up a mountain when he spotted a woman standing at the edge of a cliff, sobbing her heart out. "What's the matter?" he called out. "I'm going to kill myself," she replied. "Well," he said, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "I suppose I might as well," wailed the woman. "My life's been nothing but misery." After she had finished, the man said: "Wow! That was great! Why are you so depressed anyway?" She replied: "My family disowned me for d…

A female university librarian was suspended for having an inappropriate relationship with two male students. Now the kids are worried because the librarian is two weeks' overdue. My friend said you have to read this book, it's a page turner. Well, yes, I know how books work. Jimmy Carr A man walked into a bookbinding class. The teacher said: "Come in. Make yourself a tome."

Before takeoff, an elderly lady passenger said to the pilot: "I've never flown before, and I'm very nervous. You will bring me down safely, won't you?" "All I can say, ma'am," replied the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet!" I went up to the airport information desk and asked the attendant: 'How many airports are there in the world?' Jimmy Carr