Signs... The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to... - You lose arguments with inanimate objects. - You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. - Your job interferes with your drinking. - Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. - You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group. - Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! - You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem. - You can normally focus better with one eye closed. - The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar. - You fall off the floor sometimes. - Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. - Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you. - At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name. - Your idea of cutting back is less salt. - The whole bar greets you when you come in. - You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass. - That damned pink elephant followed you home again!