Someday I'd love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I have good and bad news WIFE: Bad news first We need a new front door WIFE: And the good news? [points to Monster Truck in living room]

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband's BMW

A doctor and his wife were having lunch... ...and a beautiful young woman walks by and winks at the doctor suggestively. She cooes, ""How's it goin', doc?"" and walks away, hips swaying. The wife, confused, asks, ""Who was that, dear?"" The doctor took a sip of his wine and said casually, ""That's my mistress Arielle."" The wife was shocked and in tears. ""I can't believe you're cheating on me! I'm going to divorce you and take everything you have, you lying bastard!"" The husband calmly puts hi…