#police

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Just once, I'd ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I'm driving, especially considering I've had 12 beers.

*walks up to dealer* I would like 3 weeds please "Are you a cop?" No I love crime and tomfoolery "..." Could I also get a bushel of cocaine?

When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently "Kindergarten" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

officer, buying weed from a guy who sells on the side is basically shopping local. you should be THANKING me for supporting our community.

They say video games teach kids bad habits, but I've gotten out of at least 17 DUI's by flinging a banana peel at the cop car behind me.

I just tried to type "cop car" but it autocorrected to "cop cat" and boom I just came up with the title of a new hit detective show.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

Cop: Know why I pulled you over? I'm in a High Occupancy lane Cop: Yes...wait IS THAT A JOINT? Yeah I'm HIGH lol Cop: My bad, free to go

Cop: can u describe your attacker Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms Cop: u just described a seagull Me: he took my chips

Hey doofus, the fashion police called. Your father died last night on duty. He wanted you to have this. "Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you'd be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don't need to call the police.

[Gets arrested] Officer: You get one phone call... *hangs up a few minutes later. Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn't even worried cause it's probably not good at its job yet.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you me: yeah he was not nice

Nice try Jehovah's witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn't going to get me to come to the door.

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you...

If you get pulled over for speeding on the highway, police are legally required to let you go if you tell them 'Black Betty' was playing.

Cop: FREEZE, DON'T MOVE!!! Me: *stops moving* Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me:... Cop: NOW! Me:... Me:... Cop: for the love of god...unfreeze

Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.

Tequila doesn't make me drunk and disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz Police Reports are all written by cops.

Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car? Me: I don't know but if you do, I'm not sharing.