#police

*cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now.

If you're already in the cop car, I really can't see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you'll probably just get probation. Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Me: BOOP! teehee! Cop: .. Me: sorry. did you want me to touch MY nose?

Relax white people, black people have the "N" word. But we still have words like "Yacht", and sayings like "thanks for the warning officer".

COP: drop the gun CRIMINAL: no COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Do you know why I stopped? *silence* *a saxophone wails in the distance*

I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

[i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u *holds up picture of himself* ME: yes POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet ME: dang it

Officer: Did u know your back light is out Me: I don't know if you noticed... I'm inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".

Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Elf cop:"We got a robbery in progress on Candy Cane lane. Hit the light Rudolf! *Rudolf sticks nose through sunroof*

Police officers are really sore losers when you race them

A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.

ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back" STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"

*cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN

My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood ...do you know what I'm thinking? PSYCHIC COP: Yes GOOD COP: Oh right

Cop: Ma'am, Are you intoxicated? Me: Are YOU intoxicated! Cop: No Me: Prove it! Cop: *puts handcuffs on me* Me: I like where this is going.

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn't 'funny' and is technically 'wasting' police time :(

I was tailgating a slow driver earlier. He brake checked, flipped me off, and when that didn't work he turned his police lights on. Jerk.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.