Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby.

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to herself."

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?