#costco

new stereotype I just invented: everyone else but me is bad at navigating their cart at Costco

While I'm shopping at Costco my kids wait by the exit and try to get adopted by a wealthy family.

Costco is a great place to go if you want to shop for 15 minutes and then stand in line and judge people for an hour.

Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I'll ever get to feeling like I'm on the VIP list at the clubs.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

*sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO

"You like mayonnaise? Prove it." - Costco

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I'm adding 'enjoys eating out' to my dating profile.

WAT DO WE WAMT "woaw calm dowm dude" WHEN DO WE WAMT IT "u kno this is just a line to try ham sampels at costco right"

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, 'Nice one, huh?'

Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

A man is plotting to kill his wife He hears about a hitman named Artie who will kill people for cheap. He decides to call this hitman and explain the situation. ""My wife is cheating on me and I want her dead. Kill her boyfriend if he's there too."" They meet up for the pay. Artie says ""Alright, I will do 1 dollar a person, so 2 dollars."" ""Whoa whoa, hold up a moment!"" The man says. ""What if her boyfriend isn't there?"" Artie thinks or a minute and says ""Alright, pay 1 dollar right now. If…

Jaden Smith goes into the bar gain bin at Costco

I went to Costco the other day... As I was checking out the cashier asked me "" Do you wanna box?"" I said ""No, but I'll wrestle you!""

The Purina Diet Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had..an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds …

80-year-old's joke overheard at Costco food court Have you ever seen geese flying in a v formation? Often one side of the v will be longer than the other. Do you know why? ... There are more geese on that side of the v. --- This old man was dropping tons of jokes in the Costco food court. A few were pretty funny.

1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2002: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it's cool 2002: Moving to California because it's warm 1972: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2002: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1972:…

Romney likes Costco. So much that he bought 3.

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I’m sorry I asked if he was a rescue. Thank you for not siccing him on me.

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots. The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

Recent crime perpetrated at Costco Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage

Why does Bill Clinton prefer B.J.s? Because he hates Costco.

Why men shop at Costco? Because it's a hoe sale.