#anthony-jeselnik

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend ---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik

Two amazing jokes by Anthony Jeselnik ""Me and girlfriend..... we're not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I've heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."" ""My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About …

This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office... I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here. (credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

My mom was supposed to die in the 9/11 incident.. I think - Anthony Jeselnik

my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 911 ... I think -Anthony Jeselnik

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

My mom was the worst at having to break bad news to me. I remember i came home from school one day and she said, ""Anthony, i don't know how to tell you this, but I've been having an affair, and you can't tell dad. I said, ""well why not?"" She said, ""Because he just passed away. - Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man ...so I can get a better girlfriend. -Comedian Anthony Jeselnik

I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious. Nobody saw me. Anthony Jeselnik.

My body is a temple But only because it hates Palestine. *Anthony Jeselnik*

Careful what you wish for! I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit. I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. —Anthony Jeselnik

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian "Me and girlfriend..... we’re not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I’ve heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend." "My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her b…

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. *-Anthony Jeselnik, Shakespeare*

When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle.. When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik