Sometimes I find it hard to express myself because FedEx hears me breathing.

FedEx missed me and left a note saying I can pick up my delivery, but joke's on them -- I no longer have the strength to do anything at all

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter. Mom's kind of a slut.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry