From an old National Lampoon record A guy walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The comedian comes out for his first act of the evening and says, a guy walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. The comedian comes out for his second act of the evening and says, a guy walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm. Just then, a guy in the audience says, I think I've heard this before. The comedian says, maybe you caught my first act. The man says, not lik…

Back in my old house There was this beautiful girl moving in. And when I say beautiful, I mean BEAUTIFUL, like, super model status. A solid nine. Being the nice neighbor I was, I go up to her to ask if she needs help moving in. I'm nervous, because on the best of days, I'm like a six. So I go up to her, and she's like ""Ummm, no thanks"" in the RUDEST voice you could think of. I'm like, OK, I go home, not really dissapointed, as I knew I had no chance. So, the day after, I see her dog on my lawn…

A Dad finds out his Son has a new girlfriend... He calls his Son upstairs to his bedroom and asks him to sit down. The father says, in a very steady tone, ""Son, let me tell you a story. There was once a dog who used to live at a train station. One day, the dog fell asleep by the railroad tracks and left his tail on one of the tracks. Of course, eventually a train rolled by and ran over his tail. The dog was surprised and awoken by this sudden jolt and turned around to see what happened to his p…

A 98 year old man... A 98 year old man goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor that he is in the best shape of his life. He can run around, his memory is great, and he just got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant. The doctor pauses, looks at him, and replies, ""My neighbor went out hunting one day and instead of grabbing his shotgun on the way out, he grabbed his umbrella. While he was out he saw a rabbit. He pointed the umbrella at him and yelled 'BANG BANG!' The rabbit dropped over dead. What …