#lawyer

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? "No thanks." Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... "WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is taco ME: four please JUDGE: we're not- ME: with chips JUDGE: ordering ME: *lips on mic* extra guac

[Court] "Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

[Jesus entering surf contest] Judge: What type of board will you be riding? Jesus: [looks at feet] They're using boards?

I feel like I have something to prove here. Judge: That's sort of how this works.

I'll never get picked for jury duty because I'd be the one on trial.....

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape? JUDGE: I'll allow it PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF JUDGE: Let's see where he goes with this

Giving a bear my power of attorney.

I judge parties by how close to dead my cell phone battery is when I leave.

Remember don't judge, you never know what another person is going through Unless they're constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

"I haven't accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others" -Critics

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"

If Kim Kardashian is allowed to sue Old Navy b/c a model looks like her, then Khloe Kardashian should expect a lawsuit from Chewbacca.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm gay.

WAITER: Your honor, when I said "enjoy your meal" he said "you too" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "bananas" GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom? Defendant: no Lawyer: spell "ICUP" Defendant: I-C-U-P Judge: *softly* omg Jury: *whispering*

Apparently, "I judge a great wine by its alcohol content", doesn't impress wine snobs

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

"even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don't think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk

are you the girl who types everything said in court? "yes" I'm sorry *turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

you're honor, my client- hold on.. *long recess w/ client* ok my really high client wants to know if he can eat his Cheetos during the trial

dont judge a book by its cover. dont judge a book at all. read a book. write a book. dont judge a book unless that book has murdered someone