Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don't move, it can't see me.