ME: I know it's probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight! BEER: Hey buddy, don't be putting words in my mouth now.

*sees spider in the shower* Oh jeez I'm sorry lock the door next time buddy

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you"