Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the police as "Quiet and keeps to herself."

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone