Stunt pilot? My friend Andrew met a girl in the pub last night, and they ended up going home together. Tonight the girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees Andrew...He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves. "Andrew you lying bastard" she yells "last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!" "No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

i've got a pilot's licence... and i'm not giving it back to him. luckily he's too drunk to notice.