I was sitting in traffic the other day, which was probably why I got run over. Signs That the Car You Just Bought is an Old Wreck As you leave the used car lot, you see the previous owner rush out and high-five the salesman. You notice that the free car phone they threw in as part of the deal has a local breakdown company on speed dial. The coat hanger that serves as a radio aerial is described by the salesman as a "feature". You would take your car into the garage for repairs but it can't get up the ramp. Priests cross themselves as you drive by. The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery. Youths on the rampage in your street vandalize every car except yours. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic automatically opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in. In fifth gear, you are overtaken by a mobility scooter. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner. Thieves thought about stealing your wheels but then realized that the bricks they were going to put in their place were actually worth more. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked in your street. As you drive off, it silently falls in behind you. The steering wheel column appears to be held in place with Blu-Tack. Whenever you signal to turn left, the windshield wipers start. The front bumper has rope burns from being towed so much. I was going to get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said: 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' I didn't know about this but apparently during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of unreliable German cars. Which is embarrassing when you're an SS officer. Jack Dee