#hon

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, "excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?"

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon? Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water

[True Love's gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile] awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop were lying in bed one night. Mrs. Blip-Blop turns to Mr. Blip-Blop and says, ""Blip-Blop, blippity bloppity blop. Blip blippity blop bloppy blop."" Mr. Blip-Blop replies, ""Geez, hon; just swallow it.""

Friend of mine just got his wife pregnant. Told him it reminded me of this joke. This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in love with this Greek guy and was determined to marry him. Her mother tried hard to stop her, but when she knew she couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, ""Listen child, marry him and may you live happily ever after. But the day or night he asks you in bed to turn over, you come back to me, for he has lost respect for you."" The daughter agrees to this an…

A woman goes out with her husband to a shopping mall. She sees one store and goes ""hon, that dress looks fabulous, would you buy it for me?"" The man replies. ""Are you crazy? The dress looks great on the mannequin, but would look awful on you because you're fat, like a washing machine."" They keep going and the wife says ""Look at that blouse, it's lovely! would you buy it for me?"" The man replies ""What? It looks good on a thin mannequin, but look at yourself, you are short and heavy, like a…

I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, ""We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet,"" then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, ""You know, all I could go for right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee."" So the stewardess goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, ""Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"" From Good Will Hunting

John get angry So John is standing on a bus stop waiting for bus. In meantime, a woman with kid comes to wait for bus aswell. As any other kid, this kid gets restless and ask mom: -why is bus not here yet moma Mom replies: - they are washing it honey. After few minutes kid asks again: -mommy, why is bus not here yet? -They are fixing the engine hon. Minutes later kid asks again: -why is bus still not here mom? -They are doing a paint job sweaty. Hearing that John bursts in rage : - Do THEY serio…

A man walks into a pet shop. While he's browsing, there's one pet that catches his eye. It's a tall, sharp-beaked bird with beautiful jet black plumage; a condor, to be precise. Upon, further inspection, however, the man notices that the condor is unusually thin. Sickly, even. More than a little troubled, the man gets the shopkeeper's attention and asks him about the bird. ""What's wrong with your bird? It looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks. Don't you feed your animals?"" The shopkeeper sighs …

A drunk man calls his wife from a payphone.... Man: ""honeey, imba gunda needya *hic* gonda needya to come git me"" Wife:""Honey where are you?"" Man:""I'm inda phone box"" Wife:""I understand that, you sound quite drunk, what street are you on?"" Man:""I'mbin da phone box onda corna.."" Wife:""Oh good, you're on a corner, read the street signs and I'll come pick you up"" Man:""Ughh... o. o. one sec, holdon"" The man pops his head out of booth and reads the signs, and gets back on the phone with…

A joke that fell flat in my local subreddit. Is it really that awful? I think pets shouldn't have to just sit in cages and eat the same thing every day, so I took Mister Slithers to the hot dog store. I asked the lady, do you have hot dogs? She said ""Yes of course! Would you like me to make you one?"" I said ""I don't eat hot dogs myself, but I'd like to get one for my snake here, so can you get me one please?"" to which she replied ""Of course! I'd be happy to! The only problem is, the guy who…

Open Wider! There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he tells her again, ""Open your legs a little wider."" She does, and then he says again, ""A little wider, hon."" The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. This continues until he asks again, ""Can you open them just a little wider?"" So she finally yells, ""What are you trying to do; get your ball…

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ""You don't want to try these techniques at home."" ""Why not?"" asked someone from the back of the audience. ""I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"" the expert explained. ""She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"" The voice from the back asked, ""Did it save time?"…

Efficiency Expert An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ""You don't want to try these techniques at home."" ""Why not?"" asked somebody from the audience. ""I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"" the expert explained. ""She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"" ""Did it save time?"" the person in the …

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money because he ran out of it. His mom said ""Sure sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"" ""Uhh oh yeah okay"" responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back her husband asked ""Well how much did you give the b…

After a particularly brutal battle with his fellow Avengers, Thor decides to relax at a local watering hole.... He drinks and drinks, barrels of beer and mead. After some time, he hits it off with a cute local girl and takes her back to Avengers Tower to show her his little Mjolnir. He wakes in the morning, satisfied, and looks at the girl sleeping next to him. The poor thing is battered, with a busted lip and bruises all over her face and body. He gently shakes her awake and asks, "Are you ok…

A married couple are having dinner... Wife: hey, if ever something ever happened to me and death did us part, do you think you would get married again? Husband: honestly hon, I don't know Wife: If you did re-marry, would you two live in the same house as we do? Husband: yeah, I love this house. I don't see any reason to go through the trouble of moving out Wife: would you two sleep in the same bed as us? Husband: I think so. We have a really comfortable bed, I don't see a reason to get a n…

Wife: Hon, I’m pregnant Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: Ummm, actually…..

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution…. “You don't want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" “Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. …

A husband texts his wife from the office "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?""

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, y…