Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

A fun thing to do is comment "that ain't the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!