My wife just sent me a text " I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)" .....I hope she misspelled Xbox

ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.