Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*

*boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

[car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that