Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.

Me: My son totaled another car. Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons? M: yes P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO ARUBA!

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

Cop: Know why I stopped you? The dead guy in my trunk? Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift's over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?