Someday I'd love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right

I'm not saying my wife's a snob but even her colostomy bag is a Louis Vuitton.

'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail.