DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday