It's a hard life. Very long but a goodun: There once was a large large city and within this large large city was a large large park, within this there was a large large lake. By the shore of this stood a normal sized bench; on it their lived a hobo. This unfortunate gentleman lived their 365 days a year come rain or shine doing his best to get buy feasting on the pigeons and rats of the park whilst begging to support his addiction to drinking bleach. It is winter; our poor friend has just awoken numb with cold and crawls out from under his cardboard shelter wearing his prized pigeon-feather coat. He notices an unusual occurrence; the lake- so often filled with the sounds of holiday cheer and ice-skaters at this time of year is all but deserted. That is for one skater, undoubtedly the most beautiful woman he has ever had the grace to set his eyes upon- and so gracefully she carries herself on the ice. As he finally draws his gaze away from her he comes to realise the lake is intermittently surrounded by well dressed and well built men who all appear to be talking into their earpieces. SUDDENLY the ice gives way with an almighty crack and the poor woman is left stranded, submerged in the icy water clinging desperately to small island of ice. Her minders seem at a loss; panic has set in and they begin to flap. sensing her immediate danger our hero staggers from his refuge towards the edge of the lake where he proceeds to launch himself into the frigid pool. Naturally he saves the young woman and the emergency services arrive in due time, bringing gifts of warm coffee and space blankets. whilst our local hero is recuperating sat in the doorway of an ambulance he is approached by a man. An older fellow, sharply dressed and carrying himself with a definite sense of class, however his distress is visible on his face. ""My good man,"" he begins. ""That young woman you have so bravely risked your life to save is my own daughter; and I sir am the richest man in the world. My daughter you see means everything to me, and to repay you i shall grant any request you have!"" Mulling this over our friend eventually replies. ""uuuh...could i have 10?"" ""10?, but my good man i am the richest man in the world; if it is money you desire i can give you wealth beyond your wildest imagination!"" However the hobo remains adamant this will suffice and begrudgingly the gift is passed over amidst pleas to accept more. Later that evening when all the commotion of the day has passed the hobo is sat upon his bench; pondering whatever he will do with his newfound riches; before drifting into a bleach induced stupor a grand plan forms. The next morning he immediately sets off into to town, to a travel agents. Upon entering he is greeted by an attractive young woman who seems momentarily bewildered by his unkempt appearance but clearly impressed by the sheer majesty of his pigeon-fur coat. ""Hello sir, how can I help you,"" she asks the man ""umm, I was looking to book an around the world cruise?"" he sheepishly replies. ""that won't be a problem sir, what's your price range?"" ""uuh..."" he hesitates whilst calculating his savings, ""10.73 and an imperial button"" ""...right sir, let me see what i can do for you."" So with that she sets to work on her computer rapidly trawling through deal after deal. ""unfortunately sir there doesn't appear to be anything on our system, however if you bear with me i can have a look through our paper files,"" she explains to him apologetically. Patiently he waits until she victoriously returns with a faded, dusty file. ""Here you are sir, leaving tomorrow and just 9.95 so leaving you with some spends at duty free. You will need to meet the Captain prior to boarding to discuss a few terms."" And with newfound vitality he dances his way out back to his bench to enjoy his last night their for some time. Morning comes and he makes his way to the docks where he meets the salty sea-dog of a Captain. ""Yarr, ye be the 10 cruise man?"" ""uhh, yeh that's me"" he replies nervously ""well there be some rules before ye get on me boat! Firstly, yar only allowed out on deck between midnight, and 5am. Secondly, there be no lifeboat cover for ya. And lastly, ye be staying in the janitors closet"" Not one to complain, considering the fantastic price he proceeds to board the ship and travels down through first class, through business class, through economy, through the engine rooms, down a small corridor and into the janitors closet. Upon inspecting his new quarters he realises just how lucky he is, an almost unfathomable quantity of some of the finest industrial bleaches- this will be a good holiday. As midnight strikes he makes his way out of the janitors closet and along the corridor ,up through the engine rooms, through economy, through business, through first class and out onto the deck he is met by the beautiful starscape. After soaking in the few and enjoying himself aboard the deck he realises is he is essentially alone, except for the odd drunk reveler or couple enjoying a romantic moment. He seizes the opportunity to make the most of this luxurious liner and makes his way to the swimming pool and the 10m diving board. Gleefully he ascends the ladder and propels himself off the high board, somersaulting and corkscrewing his way down until he finishes with a perfect landing. Dragging himself and his now soaked through pigeon-feather coat out of the pool he is met by a portly and extravagantly dressed gentleman. ""Why I say boy!"" he zealously begins,"" I ain't never seen nobody pull of a dive like that before! Son if you give me ten days i can build you the worlds biggest diving board, make you star boy! Make us very rich you see?"" Little persuasion was needed for the hobo to accept what appeared to be the opportunity of a lifetime, and he promptly returned to his quarters through first class, business, economy, through the engine rooms down the narrow corridor and into the janitors closet. He has waited 10 long and rather dull days, cooped up in his closet so as not to spoil the excitement of seeing the board. It is daytime, he is being permitted out to perform this amazing spectacle. He anxiously leaves the janitors closet with a bottle of premium bleach for dutch courage. He proceeds down the narrow corridor, through the engine rooms, up through economy, business and first class before emerging onto the deck. He is greeted by the world's media, reporters, photographers, helicopters circling above. The boat has pulled into some luxurious Caribbean port and the passengers of the boat are out in force cheering him on. He boldly strides towards this new board, towering up into the sky hundreds of feet and swaying from side to side with the ocean's swell. He receives the nod from his portly sponsor and partner in business and with this fastens his pigeon-feather coat and begins to ascend the ladder. Almost an hour of hard climbing later, he has reached the top and looks down to see the passengers now mere specks. The news helicopters are buzzing around him now prickling with cameras and microphones. A loud call from a megaphone below says ""Go on boy, yous can jump now i say!"" So he jumps. Spinning, somersaulting, and corkscrewing his way gracefully through the air he seems to be falling for all eternity whilst the world watches on with bated breath. And all of sudden his dive ceases and he twists his body into position for the perfect landing- and there it is. entering the pool without so much as a ripple yet still accelerating he goes down through first class, through business, through economy, through the engine rooms, through the janitors closet, through the hull of the ship and 20 feet out into the ocean. He gradually climbs back aboard amidst the panic of everyone scrambling to their lifeboats and rowing away to safety. The ship is now most definitely forsaken. Just he and the Captain remain aboard, enjoying one last drink in the Captains office. ""Yarrr me-boy, before we both meet our maker I got just one question for ye...where did ye learn to dive like that?"" ""...well you see living on the streets all my life I learned to go through lot's of hardships.""